Planning My Midlife Crisis

Maybe I'm getting too close to 40.
Maybe it's the early signs of spring.
Maybe things have just been going
a little too well lately.

I think I'm getting ready
for something a little bit

...different.

Don't know what yet.
Maybe just something new
to learn, to contemplate.

Maybe a whole big chain reaction
of change.

I told my coworker
the tall, fun nurse,
about my sense of impending
midlife crisis.
She asked if it would involve
motorcycles.

I am clear it does not.

We'll just give it some time
and see what progresses.

Around me family is moving
to New Zealand,
a friend is writing her first book.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little bit
....I don't know....
ready for my own shift.

Probably nothing so dramatic.

But...wanting to live life
INTENTIONALLY
and not just drift downstream.

Before

So after I made my guacamole
last weekend
I washed the avocado pit
Dug out an old jar
of exactly the right size
and placed my toothpicks.

One week into the project,
it looks almost exactly the same.
I've changed the water
and monitored it closely.
There is just the faintest crack
in the top of the pit.

I'll keep you posted
on this very important
project.

Squirrels

The wee fat lad
hangs upside down
to get sunflower seeds.

It was a banner weekend.
In addition to circus mammals,
there were red bellied
and downy woodpeckers,
blue jays, cardinals,
chickadees, titmice,
goldfinches, doves
and starlings.

Meanwhile,
inside the house,
the squirrel colored cat
played fetch
with toy mice.
She brought them back
repeatedly to be thrown--
until she collapsed,
panting with exhaustion.

Then, to a much
deserved nap...

Anger, postscript

Notes on coping...

Exercising more.
Playing music more.
Journaling, reflecting and
blogging more.

Obsessing less.
Eating too much while angry less.

Sitting and watching the snow fall
...more.

Anger

My, I've been angry lately.
Easily ticked off.
Inclined to simmer and stew.
Cranky and snarly,
dark and brooding.
Snippy and childish.

Yee ha.

I've known for a while
that anger is one of the ways
I manifest grief.

It is what got me through
the time of my mother's
dying.

My emotional range
in those difficult months
was a thin layer of rage
over a deep pool of weeping.

I found I functioned better
mad.
Not to mention having
clearer sinuses.

So maybe part
of my recent emotional state
has been lingering grief
over the death of my grandmother.

But it manifests
in snippiness about paperwork at the office;
in simmering resentment about insults
to my being and character
left over from last year;
in fury over comments
and rude behavior in the present.

For the most part
I am writing angry and childish
e-mails
and deleting most of the nasty parts
before I send them.

I'm grinding my teeth
in the privacy of my own thoughts
and managing to be mostly civil
in person.

So while I haven't yet
made a total fool of myself,

I'm tired of being angry.
It wears me out.
It hurts my digestion.

And it makes me feel like

someone else.

Epiphany

Season of light in the darkness
Season of inspiration in the confusion
Season of calm in the busyness
Season of compassion in the cold of winter
Needing some Epiphany.

How Brenda Got Her Groove Back

I sometimes tell people
that the only good thing
about being sick
is how GREAT you feel
when you get better.

(Okay, so this only works
for people with temporary plagues
like colds and flu...
there are actually other
good things that come
with more chronic illnesses...
much deeper and richer benefits
that can be found during the journey....)

Ah, but recovery from a cold is SWEET.

Plus, I had a great week at work.
Amazing visits
with amazing people.

On the personal front,
I'm feeling more in control
of clutter and finances.

And yesterday I had a nice
dose of righteous indignation,
which pumped some anger
and passion
and adrenaline through me...
who knew getting ticked off
could be such a
soul reviving thing?

I've taken the melancholy
CD out of my car...
and am listening to Janet Jackson.

Here's some irony:
I feel like a kinder and gentler person
when I'm revved up
than I do when I'm sad and low.

Something about energy...
I'm more likely to bite
when I'm tired.