The Truth about Money

John Wesley, the founder of the United Methodist church, preached a sermon in which he encouraged faithful people to "earn all you can, save all you can and give all you can." I've always been pretty good at the latter two. But for reasons I am only beginning to understand, I've always been resistant to advocating for my own income. In fact....what is the opposite of advocating?

The roots of this go back to childhood. I knew we didn't have a lot of disposable income, that we couldn't afford much outside of the necessities. I learned not to ask, because if I didn't ask, I wasn't disappointed.

As an adult, I worked many years in churches who wouldn't have voluntarily hired me. I was a young, single woman...not what they requested from the Bishop. The churches were struggling financially. While they always affirmed me as a person, and ultimately expressed deep appreciation for me professionally...there was always this thing about money. One of the ways I proved my worth was by economizing, and by not demanding extra salary or benefits.

Somehow that reluctance to impose financially has deepened and broadened...partly because of financial realities in my workplace...but more for deepseated unconscious reasons. As a result, I consistently send out very clear messages that I don't want more work time, that I don't want to impose financially on people willing to give me opportunities to fulfil my vocation, that I don't want or need more money.

The rules have changed at work. My newer coworkers came to the company able to state their need for full time salary, for more hours, for more income. I find myself suddenly in a situation where all my old grand statements ring empty. I'm frustrated because what I want and what I'm asking for are two different things.

I've recently contemplated changing jobs or getting a second job in order to generate more income. But I love the work I already do.

Perhaps...I need to learn to say what I really want, what I really need. Perhaps the world will not end, if I, like my coworkers, simply state that I want to work as much as I can. I want to earn as much as I can.

Perhaps the world will not stop spinning in space if I begin to ask for more work, to ask for more compensation.

Perhaps if I begin to tell the truth about what I want and need, I won't be as disappointed when people believe what I say.