Sunday, October 23, 2011

A Well Rounded Blog

According to a recent
New Yorker cartoon*
most blogs consist of

"1/3 stories about crap
somebody cooked, knitted or sewed;
1/3 self-promotion
and 1/3 conspiracy theories."

The cartoon awakened me to a basic fact.
I am way behind on my
share of conspiracy theories.

I just happened to come up with one
on my way to church this morning,
which I will now share with
a public in need of some
new paranoia.

In North Carolina there is a roundish
brown, garden eating mammal
called a groundhog.
(Click here for pictures)
We did not have them in Florida.
Apparently they are
NC's answer to armadillos.

You'll see them as you drive around town
perched on the side of the road,
facing traffic
making little chewing motions with their mouths
but always right there on the very curb
with their nose practically under the cars.

I couldn't figure why an animal,
much less an entire breed of animals
would perch so precariously
with cars whooshing by
and threatening their fuzzy existance.

Finally I realized:
they are not mammals at all.
They are electronic devices set there
to monitor us in our cars,
disguised as mild mannered
fuzzy brown garden destroyers.

I know some ground hogs are real
and a real pain in the patooty
if you are growing your own veggies.

But those omnipresent roadside hogs...
they are machines,
put there by The Man
keeping us under
his controlling eye.

Beware of both kinds.

*September 26, 2011, The New Yorker, page 90, "Blog Breakdown" cartoon.


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