Planning My Midlife Crisis

Maybe I'm getting too close to 40.
Maybe it's the early signs of spring.
Maybe things have just been going
a little too well lately.

I think I'm getting ready
for something a little bit

...different.

Don't know what yet.
Maybe just something new
to learn, to contemplate.

Maybe a whole big chain reaction
of change.

I told my coworker
the tall, fun nurse,
about my sense of impending
midlife crisis.
She asked if it would involve
motorcycles.

I am clear it does not.

We'll just give it some time
and see what progresses.

Around me family is moving
to New Zealand,
a friend is writing her first book.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little bit
....I don't know....
ready for my own shift.

Probably nothing so dramatic.

But...wanting to live life
INTENTIONALLY
and not just drift downstream.

Before

So after I made my guacamole
last weekend
I washed the avocado pit
Dug out an old jar
of exactly the right size
and placed my toothpicks.

One week into the project,
it looks almost exactly the same.
I've changed the water
and monitored it closely.
There is just the faintest crack
in the top of the pit.

I'll keep you posted
on this very important
project.

Squirrels

The wee fat lad
hangs upside down
to get sunflower seeds.

It was a banner weekend.
In addition to circus mammals,
there were red bellied
and downy woodpeckers,
blue jays, cardinals,
chickadees, titmice,
goldfinches, doves
and starlings.

Meanwhile,
inside the house,
the squirrel colored cat
played fetch
with toy mice.
She brought them back
repeatedly to be thrown--
until she collapsed,
panting with exhaustion.

Then, to a much
deserved nap...

Anger, postscript

Notes on coping...

Exercising more.
Playing music more.
Journaling, reflecting and
blogging more.

Obsessing less.
Eating too much while angry less.

Sitting and watching the snow fall
...more.

Anger

My, I've been angry lately.
Easily ticked off.
Inclined to simmer and stew.
Cranky and snarly,
dark and brooding.
Snippy and childish.

Yee ha.

I've known for a while
that anger is one of the ways
I manifest grief.

It is what got me through
the time of my mother's
dying.

My emotional range
in those difficult months
was a thin layer of rage
over a deep pool of weeping.

I found I functioned better
mad.
Not to mention having
clearer sinuses.

So maybe part
of my recent emotional state
has been lingering grief
over the death of my grandmother.

But it manifests
in snippiness about paperwork at the office;
in simmering resentment about insults
to my being and character
left over from last year;
in fury over comments
and rude behavior in the present.

For the most part
I am writing angry and childish
e-mails
and deleting most of the nasty parts
before I send them.

I'm grinding my teeth
in the privacy of my own thoughts
and managing to be mostly civil
in person.

So while I haven't yet
made a total fool of myself,

I'm tired of being angry.
It wears me out.
It hurts my digestion.

And it makes me feel like

someone else.

Epiphany

Season of light in the darkness
Season of inspiration in the confusion
Season of calm in the busyness
Season of compassion in the cold of winter
Needing some Epiphany.

How Brenda Got Her Groove Back

I sometimes tell people
that the only good thing
about being sick
is how GREAT you feel
when you get better.

(Okay, so this only works
for people with temporary plagues
like colds and flu...
there are actually other
good things that come
with more chronic illnesses...
much deeper and richer benefits
that can be found during the journey....)

Ah, but recovery from a cold is SWEET.

Plus, I had a great week at work.
Amazing visits
with amazing people.

On the personal front,
I'm feeling more in control
of clutter and finances.

And yesterday I had a nice
dose of righteous indignation,
which pumped some anger
and passion
and adrenaline through me...
who knew getting ticked off
could be such a
soul reviving thing?

I've taken the melancholy
CD out of my car...
and am listening to Janet Jackson.

Here's some irony:
I feel like a kinder and gentler person
when I'm revved up
than I do when I'm sad and low.

Something about energy...
I'm more likely to bite
when I'm tired.

Time to Stop and Breathe

I found myself stretched pretty thin
this week, especially on Friday.
It took some fairly constant effort
to not just sit and cry
in my car or at my desk at work.
I made it through the day.

The combination of my Grandmother's death,
a persistent head cold,
my brother's news that he
and his family are moving
18 time zones away,
and just general overdoing it
finally all closed in.

So I stayed home Saturday
and groused
and weeded the asparagus bed
and painted a birdhouse.

I stayed home from church this morning
and watched CBS Sunday Morning.

I feel better.

Gardening and cooking hashbrowns
for supper last night
made me feel more connected
with my Grandmother's side of the family,
along with a phone call from my aunt.

I'm starting to remember
how very much I enjoyed
my trip to New Zealand,
and how nice it might be
to go back and visit
Steve and his family.

And this cold
has been asking me
to stop and rest
for long over a week.

Sometimes it pays
to listen to the good advice
of snot.

I'm cleaning house today
and spending
some very special time alone.

If I keep it up,
I might be fit for human company
by tomorrow afternoon.

Already I'm feeling more
like myself.

Visualization

While I was visiting at the Specialty Hospital today
a patient's wife talked to me
about using visualization
and meditation
to decrease anxiety
while trying to go to sleep at night.
We talked about remembering a place
like the woods, or a beach...
and thinking of every sight
and sound
and smell
in all the detail possible.
Even if you don't succeed
in finding sleep,
it is more fun to think about
beautiful places
than all the stresses and worries
of the day.

Sometimes I wonder
who is the chaplain here?
She couldn't have known
my recent bent
toward insomnia and worry.
Nor did I tell her...
we just stuck to sharing
our favorite scenes,
places of retreat
in the quiet depths of our minds.

Thoughts of Summer

Here is a picture of 2004's garden, in its young and tender early days. Before the beans became jungle growth and produced food for hoards. Before the corn grew tall and bore wonderful sweet ears. Before the squash took over.

When the scarecrow was still young
and pretty.

Wow. Look at the green on the surrounding trees. Ooh. Summer.

It is cold tonight. Tonight I just browse seed catalogues and dream.

This year, I've already bought peas in two varieties. Various greens. I'm still pondering tomato types. Going to try the beans on towers instead of in rows this year. Will need a new scarecrow for the corn. Okay, for my amusement. Pie tins hanging from twine off sticks seem to actually do better at keeping the birds at a distance. Maybe. Or it could be that the pie tins are also just for our own amusement.

This year, some of the things I planted in 2004 will finally get their groove on. The asparagus bed will put food repeatedly on the table for the first time. The grape vine, which last year bravely bore three bunches of grapes, will begin its formal training.

I actually ate out of the garden this very January week. Cilantro for my omelet...young plants coming up from seed after coriander fell to the earth and began the cycle of life again. Mmmm.

Resolve

Okay, I know we are
more than halfway through January.
...But it is never too late
to get started on the year.
Calendars are arbitrary, anyway.

I resolve
to spend less than I make.
Starting in February.
Maybe March.

I resolve to save six months salary
for a rainy day.
(I did this once...and behold,
I lived on it for six months
between salaried positions.)

This will take a while.

I resolve to play in my garden...
to can and freeze more vegetables
for better eating in the winter months.

I resolve to avoid cursing,
biting, and generally loosing my temper
while holding a leadership position
at my church.

Okay, cursing in public.

I resolve
to play my guitar
and my mandolin
and to sing loudly
(but again, not in public
if I can possibly help it).

I resolve to live with less clutter
to dig out of some of the paper
and books and general mess
that cover the surfaces of my home.

Hmm. I think I'll start on the clutter
NOW.

Less resolving,
more house cleaning....

In Memory of My Grandmother

A Goodbye to Mental Acuity

Oy.
I've noticed with age,
that my mind clicks more slowly
each day.

But this week takes the cake.

I always tell hospice families
that grief will take
a lot of mental energy,
but it is another thing
to experience it.

I find myself oddly dislexic,
(and uncertain I spelled that right),
mixing my numbers
when performing simple tasks
like writing down a phone number
or writing a check.

My train of thought
keeps derailing.

Everything seems to take
more effort than usual.

On the whole,
I feel pretty chipper
(except when I don't)
and expect to feel even better
when we finally
have a day without clouds.

Oh, well.
Keep the dark chocolate coming,
hold the purring kitten,
and wait for sunny days.

I Happy I Home

My parents tell me
that my first complete sentence
was after a trip.
We pulled into the driveway
and I said,
"I happy I home."

Truer words, I've never spoken.

Apologies for the faithful few
who kept checking my little blog,
only to see the same ice pictures.

I've spent the last three weeks
in Florida and Georgia,
on an unexpected, extended "vacation."

I went down to help bring
my maternal Grandmother
home from the hospital with hospice.

A different side of the hospice experience
than my day to day work.

Still, everything we hope for...
she was happy to be home,
surrounded by family and friends,
in no real pain,
and gave every sign of being at peace.

Meanwhile, my nephew was diagnosed
with mild epilepsy...see brother's blog
for more details and a really cool
Christmas tree.

I bought a new camera
after new year's
just in time to take pictures of family
and Grandmother's farm
after the funeral.

I'll upload some pics
just as soon as I install
the new software.

But wanted to go ahead
and send greetings
and thanks,
for kind wishes and prayers.

It was a very special Christmas.

Better Ice Pictures from my Front Step

Just what the doctor ordered

Okay, not impressive photography, but you get the general idea.

I wasn't going to actually GO OUTSIDE on the slick front step.

Nor was I going to linger in the cold.

At the request of the highway patrol, as travel is non-essential for me this morning, and the roads, like our front step, are slicker than goose poop, I'm staying in my pajamas and drinking coffee.

Peace.

Praying for Ice

One of my coworkers, a social worker
who pulled weekend duty this past week,
on his 8th consecutive day of work
was standing in the office
praying for a good ice storm.

Something to keep us all tucked away at home
for a day, just a day.

Sounds pretty darn good to me.

The weather people on TV
keep predicting ice,
and it keeps freezing
all the counties around us.

I know it is selfish.

I know I'll sing a different tune
if the ice knocks the power out.

I know it would be a hardship
for those who must get from place to place,
and for many who stay home.

Still. A day off.
Kids sledding
down the sheet of ice that
was and is and will be the street.

A day at home.

Oh, well. It will come
when least convenient.



My niece and nephews have had their first deep snow of the year.

Losing Things

There seems to be a subtle theme
in the last week or so.
I lost my keys all weekend
and found them Sunday afternoon.
Saturday I left my purse
at Boston Market
but it was waiting
safe and sound behind the counter
with all of it's contents intact
when I returned about 20 minutes later.
(Thank you for honest people!)
Today I lost most of the dates
on my electronic organizer,
mysteriously erased during backup
with the computer.
No hope of recovery there,
other than wracking my memory
and asking for help from others
who have me on their calendars.
None of these are real losses,
just inconveniences.

Meanwhile, my grandmother
is having small strokes down in Florida.
She has lost a good bit of her vision
in the last few days.

We seem to have temporarily
lost touch with my brother...
no blogs, e-mails or calls
this last couple weeks.
I find I've come to depend
on his blog to check on him
and his family
in non-intrusive ways.

I think I've lost a little
of my bounce today.
I'm home
and a little droopy
on a rainy Monday.

On the bright side,
no shots, removals or
other violence to my skin
at the dermatologist today.
Just an accidental rip
in the doily they gave me to wear
that made for a little
sexier slit
than was originally designed.

Always glad to have
the annual spot check behind me.

The scenery in and around Hogwarts

Saw the new Harry Potter movie yesterday.
Loved it.
One of the things I noticed was the scenery...
(on at least one of the previous movies
if you skip from scene to scene on the DVD
you get to look at the grand sets
and outdoor scenes one right after another...
I think it was the second movie
I skipped through for this discovery,
but I'm not sure.)
I found myself yesterday
wanting to be at Hogwarts,
not because of the magic,
but just for the huge open spaces
indoors and out.
I'm trying to notice
the grand sets
of my daily life,
with more attention
and more awareness.
The Gothic church sanctuary this morning,
the rainy, cloud covered mountains
this afternoon.
The beauty is there,
if I take time to notice.

Everybody loves a tent

We had little boys sleeping in the dining room
during the Thanksgiving family slam.
We set up the tent and threw in some
sleeping mats and sleeping bags.
Footy pajamas and bedtime stories
and teddy bears
and a visitation from little sister/cousin...
and a very, very good time was had by all.